The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
