my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
