i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
