i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
