I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
