Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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