oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.