I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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