Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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