My liver just broke up with me...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
