There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I have fence marks all over my body
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
