All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
