The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
