Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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