you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
