i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
