My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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