Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
