my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
