if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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