I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
