Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
