What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
