Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
