I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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