Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
