i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
