yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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