Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
