Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
