Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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