i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
At least life still wants to fuck me.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
