So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just want to make out with him forever
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
