Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
