Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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