After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
What a dumb baby whore.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
