She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
