That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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