Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
