this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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