remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
