Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
