Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
