My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
