Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
