I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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