Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
