just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
