Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
