How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
