I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
