remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
