I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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