Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
