So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I cut my penus on the lid.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
