remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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