apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
